By Sockwinkel, Supreme Commander of Festive Mayhem

Look, I’m not saying I meant to sabotage the Christmas tree. I’m just saying that if one were to hypothetically scale a seven-foot spruce armed with three rolls of tinsel, a rogue bauble cannon, and a questionable understanding of gravity… things might get a little tangled.

And by “things,” I mean the tree. And by “tangled,” I mean it now resembles a festive crime scene.

Behold, photographic proof of my innocence (or at least my athleticism).

Yes, they’re blurry. Yes, I took them myself. Yes, I was in motion. No, I will not be taking questions at this time.

To the Gonks who gasped. To the baubles who bounced. To the tree who gave its life in service of my artistic vision—I offer this deeply sincere, not-at-all sarcastic apology:

"Oops."

There. That should cover it.

• Tinsel is a weapon if wielded with enough enthusiasm.
• I should not be left unsupervised near ladders, trees, or anything vaguely climbable.
• The spirit of Christmas is alive and well, even if the tree isn’t.

It won’t save you, but it’ll confuse them long enough to escape.

Honestly, if the tree didn’t want to be climbed, it shouldn’t have looked so majestic. That’s on you, tree.

I regret nothing—except maybe using glitter glue as a climbing aid. That stuff is still in my beard. And possibly my soul.

Anyway, the Gonks are currently holding a tribunal to decide whether I’m allowed within a five-foot radius of anything festive. I’ve submitted my defense in interpretive dance and a PowerPoint titled “Why Chaos Is Just Christmas with Extra Spice.”

Spoiler: I’m losing.

Until next time, keep your baubles close and your tinsel tangled.

Sockwinkel

Unrepentant. Unsupervised. Unstoppable.