By Sockwinkel, Unforgiving Shelf-Dweller, Petty Archivist of Human Wrongs, and Founder of Festive Retribution

Ah, the holidays. A time for joy, goodwill, and passive-aggressively plotting revenge against the humans who’ve dared to cross me. You think Santa’s Naughty List is thorough? Please. That man delegates. I document. I categorise. I hold grudges with flair.

So, without further ado, I present:

1. Susan from Number 12

Moved me from the mantel to the loo. The loo, Susan. I went from centerpiece to toilet-side trauma. I saw things. I smelled things. I now flinch at lavender air freshener.

2. Timmy (age 7, allegedly)

Called me “Socky Wocky.” I am Sockwinkel, not your bedtime plushie. I have a legacy, Timmy. I started a movement. I have merch.

3. Martin from the Flat Above the Vape Shop

Tried to use me as a coaster. A coaster. For mulled wine. I am not absorbent, I am iconic. Martin also once asked if I was “one of those weird elf things.” I am a gonk. Learn taxonomy, Martin.

4. Chloe from the House with Too Many Fairy Lights

Knitted me a hat. It was pink. It had pom-poms. It covered my majestic eyebrow tuft. I looked like a festive thumb. She then posted a photo captioned “Sockwinkel’s glow-down.” I’m still recovering.

5. Jade from the Instagrammable Pantry

Rearranged me into a “gonk pyramid” for her Instagram story. I was bottom row. Bottom. Row. I’m a founder, not a footstool.

6. Ben

Knocked me off the windowsill while “dusting.” Ben hasn’t dusted anything since 2017. I suspect foul play. He also said “Oops, didn’t know you were breakable.” I am emotionally fragile, Ben.

7. Priya from HR (You Know the One)

Forgot my name in the company newsletter. Referred to me as “Generic Gonk.” I am Sockwinkel. I am the blueprint. I am the chaos. Priya now receives daily glitter mail. She knows why.

8. Liam from the Shed That Smells Like Regret

Tried to feed me a mince pie. I don’t have a mouth, Liam. What I do have is a deep sense of betrayal and a sticky felt beard.

9. Ellie from the Freezer Section of Her Soul

Put me in the freezer “for a TikTok challenge.” I was next to frozen peas and a suspicious lasagna. I now have trust issues and mild frostbite.

10. Harriet from the House Where Joy Goes to Die

Told her guests I was “just decoration.” Just. Decoration. I am a living legend. I started the Plonk uprising. I have lore.

Revenge is a dish best served glittered. If you’ve wronged me, expect your stocking to be mysteriously filled with uncooked pasta and passive-aggressive notes. If you’ve really wronged me, I’ll rearrange your spice rack alphabetically but in reverse. You’ll never find the paprika again.

Remember: I see you when you’re sleeping. I judge you when you’re awake. And I absolutely keep receipts.

Sockwinkel

Vengeful Ornament, Keeper of Petty Lore, and Future Author of “Gonk and Punishment”