Tips for gonks hiding from nosy kids and suspicious pets

Greetings, fellow fluff fugitives. Sockwinkel here—founder of the Plonkers, master of mischief, and the only gonk to successfully escape a toddler’s sticky grasp using nothing but a paperclip and a half-eaten biscuit.

If you’re reading this, congratulations: you haven’t been chewed, cuddled, or accidentally flushed. Yet. But let’s not get cocky. Humans are everywhere. They’re loud, unpredictable, and they have a disturbing tendency to “organise” things. Which, as we all know, is gonk-code for imprisonment in a decorative basket.

So here it is: my definitive guide to surviving humans. Read it. Memorise it. Tattoo it on your fluff if you must.

Forget invisibility cloaks. You want survival? Blend in.

• Top shelf of the pantry: No human under 5'8" will ever look there.
• Behind the toilet: Gross, yes. Effective? Absolutely.
• Inside a lampshade: Bonus points if you hum ominously when they turn it on.

If they can’t see you, they can’t “declutter” you.

• Cats: Think they’re royalty. Will report your location to the humans for a single treat.
• Dogs: Think you’re a squeaky toy. Will slobber on you until you lose structural integrity.
• Hamsters: Surprisingly chill. May offer you sunflower seeds in exchange for gossip.

Tip: Befriend the hamster. Distract the dog with a sock decoy. Bribe the cat with existential dread.

They will find you. They will name you “Mr. Fluffums.” You will never know peace.

• Avoid eye contact.
• Feign lifelessness.
• If cornered, initiate the ancient gonk defense: spontaneous combustion of glitter.

It won’t save you, but it’ll confuse them long enough to escape.

Humans love washing things. They think cleanliness is next to godliness. Gonks know better.

• Never nap near laundry baskets.
• Avoid socks—they’re traitors.
• If you hear the spin cycle, RUN.

I once lost a cousin to a tumble dryer. He came out three inches taller and emotionally unavailable.

Sometimes, hiding isn’t enough. Sometimes, you must haunt.

• Rearrange the fridge magnets to spell “I SEE YOU.”
• Whisper “feed me” from inside the cereal box.
• Leave tiny footprints in the butter.

They’ll think they’re losing it. You’ll be safe. Win-win.

Surviving humans isn’t about brute strength. It’s about cunning, chaos, and knowing when to play dead. Remember: you’re a gonk. You were born for mischief. You are the glitter in their soup, the sock in their salad, the reason they question reality.

Stay hidden. Stay cheeky. And if all else fails—blame the hamster.

Yours in fluff and defiance,

Sockwinkel

Founder, Escapist, and Professional Nuisance.