By Sockwinkel, Certified Pretzel Practitioner, Unlicensed Wellness Guru, and Founder of the Gonk Chakra Initiative

Namaste, you bendy little mischief-makers.

Welcome to the ancient, slightly wobbly art of Gonk Yoga—a spiritual-ish practice designed to help you limber up for mantelpiece escapes, festive raids, and the occasional dramatic tumble into a bowl of Quality Street. Whether you're a seasoned shelf-sitter or a rogue bauble infiltrator, flexibility is key. And by flexibility, I mean the ability to contort yourself into a shape that makes your nan scream.

Let’s dive into today’s top poses from the Sockwinkel School of Shenanigans

Downward Sock

A foundational pose. Begin by flopping forward until your nose grazes your own pom-pom. Bonus points if you knock over a snow globe mid-flow. This pose opens the hamstrings and the door to chaos.

Festive Pretzel

Twist your limbs until you resemble a cinnamon swirl abandoned at a Christmas market. Ideal for sneaking behind the nativity scene unnoticed. Warning: may result in permanent glitter rash.

Tinsel Warrior

Stand tall, arms out, eyes wild. Channel the energy of a gonk who’s just spotted an unattended mince pie. Hold for three breaths or until someone yells, “Who put you in the gravy boat?!”

Candle of Regret

Sit cross-legged. Reflect on the time you tried to ride the cat like a sleigh. Breathe in. Breathe out. Apologize to the cat. Repeat.

Shelf Savasana

The final resting pose. Collapse dramatically onto the nearest surface. Ideally a mantelpiece, but a fruit bowl will do. Let your limbs dangle like festive spaghetti. This is where true enlightenment (and biscuit crumbs) are found.

Gonk Yoga isn’t just about physical flexibility—it’s about emotional elasticity, spiritual bendiness, and the ability to wriggle out of tight spots with a cheeky grin and a trail of tinsel. So stretch, twist, and tumble your way to inner mischief. And remember: if you’re not slightly tangled by the end, you’re not doing it right.

Now go forth, my bendy brethren. The world is your yoga mat. And also your hiding place.

Sockwinkel

Enlightened Limbo Champion, Seasonal Stretch Consultant, and Proud Survivor of the Great Bauble Collapse of ’09