By Sockwinkel, Gonk-at-Large, Style Icon, and Unofficial Ambassador of Festive Chic

Greetings, fashion victims and shelf-dwellers alike. Today we tackle a topic close to my fuzzy heart: style. Because being a gonk isn’t just about sitting around looking mysterious and slightly judgmental—it’s about making a statement. Preferably one involving sequins.

So if you’ve ever looked at your sock-shaped body and thought, “How do I make this work?”—fear not. I’m here to guide you through the do’s, don’ts, and deeply questionable choices of gonk fashion.

Let’s start with the basics. You are the sock. The sock is you. It’s not just a garment—it’s your essence. Your canvas. Your identity. So choose wisely.

• Bold patterns = confidence. Stripes say “I’m here to party.” Polka dots say “I’ve already started.”
• Muted tones = mystery. Perfect for lurking near the sherry or judging the nativity scene.
• Festive prints = chaos. If your sock features reindeer doing yoga, congratulations—you’re already halfway to legend status.

And remember: no one rocks a sock like a gonk. Humans wear them on feet. We wear them with pride.

Your hat is your crown. Your beacon. Your weather vane of mood.

• Tall and pointy = classic gonk. Timeless. Slightly wizard-adjacent.
• Floppy and oversized = laid-back rebel. Probably hiding snacks.
• Sequinned and impractical = Sockwinkel-approved.

Bonus tip: tilt your hat at a jaunty angle to suggest mystery, mischief, or mild intoxication.

Accessories are where the magic happens. A well-placed bauble can elevate your look from “forgotten shelf ornament” to “festive icon.”

• Mini scarves: Ideal for dramatic exits and passive-aggressive warmth.
• Tiny sunglasses: Serve “I’m too cool for carol singing.”
• Candy cane earrings: Dangerous, sticky, and fabulous.
• Tinsel belts: Functional and flammable. Use with caution.

If in doubt, add glitter. If not in doubt, add more glitter.

You may be made of felt, but that’s no excuse to look like you’ve been dragged through a wreath backwards.

• Lint rollers are your friend. Unless you’re going for the “I slept in the decorations box” look.
• Beard fluffing is essential. A well-groomed beard says “I care.” A tangled beard says “I fought a squirrel and lost.”
• Festive fragrance: A light spritz of cinnamon or pine can mask the scent of stolen brandy.

Ultimately, the best accessory is attitude. Strut your shelf. Own your sock. Channel your inner Sockwinkel and remember:

“Fashion fades. Gonkitude is eternal.”

So go forth, my fuzzy comrades. Be bold. Be bizarre. Be the reason someone gasps audibly when they walk into the room.

And if anyone questions your look, just tell them you’re part of an avant-garde Scandinavian performance collective. Works every time.

Yours in festive fabulousness,

Sockwinkel

Style Icon, Mischief Maker, and Founder of the Gonk Fashion Council (membership: 1)