By Sockwinkel, Seasonal Film Critic, Tinsel Saboteur, and Unlicensed Sleigh Mechanic

Ah, Christmas. That magical time of year when humans gather to watch the same five films on loop while pretending not to notice the gonk hiding behind the tree with a stolen mince pie and a vendetta against baubles.

But not all festive flicks are created equal. Some sparkle with gonk-worthy chaos. Others are about as thrilling as a lukewarm Brussels sprout. So I, Sockwinkel, have taken it upon myself to rate these cinematic offerings by their Gonkability—a highly scientific metric based on mischief potential, glitter density, and how many times I yelled “YESSSSS” at the screen.

Let’s begin.

Gonkability: 9.5/10

A child left unsupervised? Traps? Screaming adults? This is basically a gonk training video. Kevin McCallister is an honorary Plonker in my book. I’ve personally recreated every booby trap in this film using only candy canes and rage.

Gonkability: 3/10

Too many humans staring wistfully into the middle distance. Not enough explosions or rogue elves. I tried to spice it up by replacing the DVD with footage of me moonwalking in a Santa hat. No one noticed. Tragic.

Gonkability: 8/10

Buddy is clearly one of us. Tall, chaotic, and emotionally unstable around syrup. The snowball fight scene? Iconic. I’ve submitted a formal request to have it added to the official Gonk Olympics.

Gonkability: 2/10

Two women swap houses and somehow don’t immediately raid the fridge or start a glitter war? Missed opportunity. I spent the entire runtime yelling “WHERE’S THE MAYHEM?” and throwing marshmallows at the screen.

Gonkability: 10/10

Yes, it’s a Christmas film. Yes, it’s perfect. Explosions, duct crawling, and a man who looks like he hasn’t slept since 1987. I watched this with a gonk named Blister and he spontaneously combusted from joy. We miss him.

Gonkability: 4/10

Uncanny valley vibes. Everyone looks like they’ve seen a ghost and are trying not to mention it. I tried to hijack the train using a candy cane grappling hook. It did not go well.

Christmas films are a mixed bag—some are pure gonk fuel, others are just background noise while you plot your next festive heist. But whatever you watch, remember: the true spirit of the season is chaos, glitter, and mildly illegal sleigh modifications.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a date with a VHS copy of Jingle All the Way and a flamethrower made from wrapping paper tubes.

Yours in duct tape garlands, weaponized candy canes, and the eternal pursuit of cinematic nonsense,

Sockwinkel

Gonkability Analyst, Eggnog Arsonist, and Founder of the Festive Film Reclassification Bureau